Remote Is Very Easy (I Promise)

Well, once again I had to gulp down my fury and dread and reply to yet another company that does not think remote is a viable option. Once again, I typed out a gentle "thank you, but we are in a pandemic, what are you THINKING?" email. My love, it is a digital marketing job. It is, and I say this with zero exaggeration, a Twitter account with a God complex. It has never needed to be in person. It's definitely starting to bruise my self-esteem that seemingly the only employers interested in me as an applicant are managers and companies that don't think a pandemic is all that big a deal.

So I started to wonder, how many others, like myself, are in the job market again? How many are out there being repeatedly humiliated by this mortal Lucy-yanking-the-football-away farce? Yes, yes, we do have a job for you but-- *yank* wouldyouriskyourlifeandorthelivesofeveryoneyoucomeincontactwithforit?

I find myself writing the same sort of email over and over with only the slightest of variations. I'm tempted to make an auto-response template. Here is an example of one of these emails, feel free to copy and paste and personalize it in your own hunt for security. To be fair, I have not perfected it, but I do believe it is a good start. I'd love to see your own spin(s) on it!

Good morning/day/afternoon,

It is very concerning to me that this is not a work from home role, yet the option for interviewing from home has been given.* I would like to know (in full detail) what measures are being taken to ensure your employee's safety, the safety of their families and the safety of people they might come in contact with incidentally. All it takes is an interaction with one person outside of a closed environment or pod who is not as diligent to render the efforts of everyone else null. So what are your offices doing to ensure this doesn't happen?**

While I am able to take part in an interview at the time and date offered, I am unable to interview in person, let alone work in any setting other than remote. I am able to pick up equipment and I am very familiar with security programs like VMware and VDI.*** I am a high risk person and share a building and many facilities with an elderly person. If that is a deal breaker, I understand. California is gearing up for a second lockdown and we are in the midst of “uncontrollable spread” as cases explode across the nation, so I must continue with the level of caution and care I have been maintaining since March.**** Please let me know if this is acceptable or if it’s best I move along with my job search.***** All the best,

Your Name Here

*Here's your first opportunity to adjust accordingly. As for myself, I have inexplicably received invitations to interviews over Zoom because the company wants to ensure safety during COVID-19. Yet in the same breath/paragraph, they put down the hammer on NO REMOTE WORK AVAILABLE. Do they also believe they only need to wear a condom once to prevent pregnancy and spread of STI's during repeated intercourse with their partner(s)?

**I admit this is a little spicy. I'm balancing a fine line here! I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to not be explicitly clear how angry this lack of care in the name of capital gains makes me!

***To leave the door open a crack, I like to leave a hint or two that remote work is very possible, actually. If you do not have experience with these programs, I still recommend naming them as options for remote work accommodation.

****"...level of caution and care I have been maintaining since March." is Caylin for "the amount of effort needed by a company to figure out how to navigate a frightening new world is the same amount it took for me to take up journalling." This one I admit doesn't come across, not even in subtext, but now you know what I mean, and that should count for something.

*****I'm tired.

Those are my thorns, here is my rose: just applied for a job through LinkedIn and part of the application asked for my pronouns. This was a very, very nice little thing after sitting through a Zoom interview for an MLM. My God why aren't MLMs illegal yet? Sorry for sneaking in an extra thorn there.

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